My Dead Wife pt.IV
I had been in Italy for three weeks now with my parents. They insisted I wear
girls clothes, because my grandma, whose house we were staying in, had always
wanted a granddaughter.
Naturally, I adopted a very loud, nasally "fag" voice; I'd often yell at my Grandma: "GRANDMA, THESE FLOWERS ARE FUCKING FAAAABULOUS" To which she'd nod nervously, not understanding English, nor owning a single flower.
My favorite times there, I must admit,
were the hours I spent with my cousin who's name was El Fructose. He was extremely
socially retarded, smiling at everything nervously and always, always (as the
President says) "walking on eggshells".
Anyway, one day I decided to throw together a last minute talent show! I actually
lied before, I had not yet actually met El Fructose, even though he was staying
there with all of us in my Grandma's one bedroom flat. So I decided on an icebreaker.
I pulled him into the bedroom so we'd
have some privacy for our planning and rehearsal. He seemed kind of nervous
because the two weeks previous I had spent glaring at him or licking my lips,
never saying a goddamn word. Anyway, I noticed his guitar in the corner:
"FRUCTOTHE...THAT'S A GUITAR, HONEY!!!!"
"I'm-thinking-it-be-very-nice-to-play-songs-for-family,
No?" he responded like a fucking moron.
"You fucking moron. Play me a song..."
Man, that motherfucker could play - "Row-row-row-de-boat" - I was swirling in
an orgy of the senses.
"We're ready, bro"
And we missed each other's hands in the 'high-five'.
SO, the big day came. As El Fructose tuned up, I started "ROWROWROW DEEE BOAT...."
Everybody laughed, believing that I somehow blew it.
"PEASANTS!!!" I shrieked, tears welling in my eyes. I couldn't breathe. As I
gasped for air hysterically, I turned on my parents.
"YOU!!! You're always humiliating me!!! Look at these women's clothes you forced
me to wear...no more...No More...NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"But honey," my mother said carefully "YOU were the one who insisted on wearing
those clothes"
Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you that, too.