Hatchet Face

Jesus, I'm an asshole....


Hatchet Face, so named because of her resemblance to Hatchet Face in
the movie "Cry Baby," saw me crash my motorcycle in the parking lot
at work and said, "If I give you my number will you call me?"  I
said yes, and politely didn't call. She cornered me at work a week later, 
"If I called you, would you go out for coffee with me."  She's 
annoying, and I like going on dates with people that annoy me. I've got
some loose wires in my head, I think.  She picks me up, "Hi!  
What's your sign?"  Really.  Her mouth was off and running.  She 
never shut up.  She'd ask questions and then continue 
talking without waiting for an answer.

We ended skipping the coffee and went drinking at a cafe in front of a
theater. She drank something lame, I drank bottles of Guiness.  Ben
Hur was playing so I asked if she wanted to see it.  We hit a bar 
and drank whiskey sours while waiting for it to start. Then we
bought a bottle of vodka to drink in the theater. 

Quotes I picked out from the non-stop Wall of Sound coming from the
hole in her face:

"Are you a racist?  I used to live with skinheads.  Then one day they
all got drunk and joined the army.  Then I had to find a new place to

"I'm a dominitrix.  Does that scare you?  Most guys are scared when
they find that out.  Are you scared?" 

"Do you beat women?  Because if you do this dates over. I won't date
guys that beat up women." 

"The father of my child is in a band.  He's really cool even though 
he doesn't see his child often."

"Would you be willing to have sex with me?  I'm not saying I even want
to have sex with you because I don't, but I'm wondering if maybe I 
wanted to, if you would.  Do you want to?" 

"I don't normally talk this much, but you're making me nervous because
you aren't talking."

She had to pay for my ticket 'cause I drank up all my money.  Hatchet
Face bought a Sprite to mix with the vodka. The soda jerk set it down
on the counter and she said, "Hey get that." Normally I would've, but
since she was a dominitrix and all I said no.  She tried her stern
dominitrix act, "Pick that up!"

Me, "Nope." 

"If you don't pick that up, it'll stay there because I'm not getting

"That's fine by me.  I don't need a mixer." 

She went back and picked up the Sprite. 

During intermission, she bought me a hamburger and we polished off the
booze.  After the movie, she drove me home, "So you never answered me,
do you want to have sex with me?  I'm just saying that I might be
willing to."  I literally had truck door open and my foot out before
she stopped, "Hey thanks for the booze, the burgers and Ben Hur.  See
you at work."  I ran into the apartment laughing and immediately
called up everyone I knew so I could tell 'em while I still remembered
some of the crazy things she said. 


UPDATE: Hatchet Face tells the exact opposite version.  It's pretty 
funny 'cause she had me saying things that there's no way I'd say 
and doing things I wouldn't do (basically being a decent human being). 
Good for her.  That's the least annoying thing she's done.  Unlike 
getting drunk at a show a couple weeks ago and repeatedly grabbing my
crotch even when I'd try to hide from her.