Cute Girl Report

A little back ground: These were weekly reports written when I was getting my college boy degree. I'm currently pursuing a career as governer which explains and excuses the drunken spelling. Dave Ninja saved my email reports and compiled 'em into one big mound of crap.

Due to unpopular demand, I've broken this down into month size chunks. Lucky you.


Okay, here's the set-up. I met this girl the first day of school, and then lo and behold she turns out to be in one of my classes. I came home, and started writing the Cute Girl Report up on my roommate's wall. Some days it kinda sucks, and some days it ain't so bad. But it is long and it is text based, and after all, you are just killing time at work or between classes.


Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 00:01:06 -0800 (PST)
Subject: CG Report: Mon., 3/4

Nothing, absolutely nothing. CG wore black corduroy pants (with cuffs!) and a blue satiny jacket with white racing stripes. Oh, she reminded me about going to lectures with her and that she had to be there early to"set up" for the guests. And she was in a wreck on Thursday, but decided it wasn't worth pursuing. I don't know how such a frail and delicate flower of a girl escaped the metal scratching, sometimes even headlight crushing, gnashing horrible jaws of death many of us ever so nonchalantly refer to as "A Mild Fenderbender" free from injury. Truly, Sweet Baby Jesus Himself, must have plucked CG right out from under Satan's whiplash. Yea, and verily I say unto you, this one really puzzles me. Someone backing into her while parking should result in at least a neck-brace. Hell, a wreck, even with no damage, should, by all that makes what appears to be an assembly line raver into everything I hold dear and sacred, namely Cute Girl, should I repeat, turn CG into a walking, raving Medical Emergency. I just can't figure the angle on this one, and all those damn commas scare me. Color me gone.

Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 18:54:43 -0800 (PST)
Subject: CG Report: Wed., 3/6

I walk into class early hoping to set up an ambush, but CG's one step ahead of me. She tells me her best friend Rain-uh (not Rene like I previously thought) had been waiting around so I could "meat" her. I missed her by 2 minutes though. I ask how she could be crippled by no power steering, but escape a wreck uninjured. I let her know I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. The answer is--she was injured! Neck and back pain! She had a massage last week, has another appointment for this week, and boy does she hate chiropractors. Whew! I'm glad that one got straightened out, I was really confused. She told me that the only way she can tell her study monkeys apart is in nipple length. I'll leave you to ponder that one. Today CG wore a black velour type shirt and denim pants with cuffs.

Bookkeeping: So far I've gotten 3, count 'em, 3 pictures of what you picture CG to look like. I think I'll just run off the copies without much art unless you send in some stuff right quick. And another thing, if'n you're goddamn sick and tired of this damn thing, let me know and I'll drop you off. It also works in reverse, if you know someone who wants to add, let me know the saps address.


Date: Mon, 11 Mar 1996 23:50:46 -0800 (PST)
Subject: CG Report: Mon., 3/11

CG asked if I was gonna go to the lecture to hear smart people talk about giant lizards that used to roam the earth and called each other "dinosaurs." I had to flake because I took part in a Gallo study of drunks and I didn't know how long I'd be there. CG complained about the rain because she needs to study monkeys, but if she had to do it in the rain she'd surely get sick. All in all, it was slow day for Cute Girl. She wore a black leather coat and pants that looked like they were made out of black suede and black leather boots. I dropped the ball and didn't think to make leather Raver jokes until she ignored me. But I did write down some of the best questions on the personality profile that them at Gallo (through U. C. Frisco) gave me. I figure I can distract you from the piss-poor quality of today's CG Report with them funny questions. All were true/false and they won't let me have a copy of their findings, the greedy bastards.

>From the "Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2":

336) Someone has control over my mind
332) I am afraid of using a knife or anything sharp or pointed
72) My soul sometimes leaves my body
117) I have never vomited or coughed up blood
246) I believe my sins are unpardonable
407) I deserve severe punishment for my sins
465) I like repairing a door latch
490) Ghosts or spirits can influence people for good or bad
351) At one time in my life I felt that someone was making me do things by hypnotizing me
327) Bad words, often terrible words, come into my mind and I cannot get rid of them
361) Someone has been trying to influence my mind
198) I often hear voices without knowing where they come from
316) I have strange and peculiar thoughts
379) I got many beatings when I was a child
114) Sometimes I am so strongly attracted by the personal articles of others, such as shoes, gloves, etc., that I want to handle or steal them, though I have no use for them
458) I am made nervous by certain animals
551) I sometimes seem to hear my thoughts being spoken out loud

I don't get the door latch repairing one. I'm going to ask someone in the psychology department why they ask that. Oh yeah, I got paid $30 which I'm gonna spend on booze of course. It's the principle of the thing.

Date: Tue, 19 Mar 1996 00:17:16 -0800 (PST)
Subject: CG Report 3/13, 3/18

There was no report on Thursday 3/13 because I was feeling surly and didn't talk to her much. And there was no alky study with funny questions, so I couldn't even pretend to entertain. That's pretty much the story.

For today, March 18, she told me happy birthday (it was the 14th, thank you) and when I asked what she got me, she got me nuthin. After all I do for her, she treats me this way. CG just ain't no damn good. Today was review day for the midterm with the five page study guide. I've done none of the reading. Zip. Zero. Nada. Ixnay. Null set. CG of course, has pages and pages of typed out answers just sitting there taunting me. I ask, "Would you punch me if I asked to copy your notes?" Yep. And, AND I say, she said she was waiting for me to ask. I thought Ravers were a happy giving bunch. I hope that Excstasy short-circuits her spine or does whatever the hell it does. After all, here I am making Cute Girl into that thing that frogs say for REASON FOR LIVING, and if it weren't for living your pathetic lives vicariously through CG, I'm sure you'd all pack it in. And she doesn't have the common courtesy to let me copy all of her notes so I don't have to do any work in the class. Oh that CG is a callous one. On the plus side, Saturday is the geology field trip and she's a achin' to see a man-made geyser. But she'll have to settle for mine! Ha ha, I get funnier all the time.