February 26, 2005

Brutal Rapist by Cairns

Posted by DaveSmith

Hate mail and the Brutal Rapist

I didn't think anyone was reading these, but I got a "ur gay" comment in "The Wild West of the Tropics" post. An anonymous post from Townsville, Queensland Australia. I feel much better now. It's not much of an effort, but he tried. I hope a wee bit of encouragement will help.

I called up the airline and got the $3,883 ticket refunded. Since the US dollar is still declining, I made $20 from the refund. Now to find a cheap way to make it to Japan for Jay and Chikae's wedding party on April 16. Anything under $3,883 would be fine.

There's BEARs racing this weekend, so hopefully I can find some clutch plates for my bike. BEARs is British, European, American Racing since everyone loses to the Japanese. It'd be better if it was Bears Racing as in the hairy gay men fetish. Watching fat, hairy guys in ass-less black leather chaps with mirrored sunglasses would be fun to watch. I'm not sure what the winner would do.

I missed out on the softball sized hail in Australia and I didn't pick up ebola VD. I didn't pick up on any girls at all. I'll let all ya'll know when someone says, "Hey, I saw you in Trekkies 2". That'll probably be never.

And sadly, no pictures of Porn Star or of the Cute Australian Girl. I should've gotten one of the Cute Girl but you'd be disappointed. She's no Terri Garr.

I got an email from Anna about the last post that said, "That was a nice way of saying, 'Thanks for having me' - stealing my Repo Man soundtrack and dumping my car over the side of town. Yeah". She later found the CD and said Bob was very nice so she apologized to Bob for calling me a "lyin', cheatin', thievin' scumbag".

I don't know if Anna's forgiven me about leaving her car on the other side of town but she was nicer in other follow-up emails. She's waiting for me to get to the Melbourne part hoping I'll say nice stuff about her.

She also bugged me about my love life in Australia. Which didn't happen. Although, I did just get hit on by an anonymous homosexual in Townsville in a previous comment, but I like women, not men. Thanks though.

I can't remember if I talked about the Brutal Rapist I met outside of Cairns. If I did, you can skim over it twice.

I pulled up to a rest area to camp. Another good thing about Oz is you can camp in most rest stops for free.

There's a 50 year old blonde headed guy with a huge scar down his face and he's missing part of his jaw. It makes it hard for him to shave or he just does a lousy job. He yells, "Wanna cuppa?" In Oz, "cuppa" is short for "cup of coffee/tea/Milo". I say sure and walk over.

Milo is what we had. I don't know what Milo is, but it's big in Oz and NZ. Some sort of powdered milk and malt thing, I reckon. Or maybe you add it to milk, but Jake didn't have any milk. I looked at the Nestle Milo page and couldn't figure it out. Could someone explain it? It's also the name of the singer for the Descendents who later became ALL (okay band but not as fun as the Descendents were). Milo is also also the name of an animal sanctuary near Berkeley, California.

This man's name is Jake and he has a poodle dog with a blue tail. I ask about the tail and he says, "My daughter did that". Good. He has a daughter so he's probably not that bad.

We're talking and he explains his face. Back when he was 20, he got a job as a mechanic and was celebrating at a pub. Walking home, he got hit by a car and it almost killed him. He's been on the dole (pension aka welfare) ever since. The brain damage made him schizophrenic which is much worse than making him epileptic.

"But don't worry", Jake said. "I'm not a poofta or a brutal rapist".

We have another cuppa and I ask Jake how old his daughter is. "I don't have a daughter". Well that's not the answer I was expecting. It sort of put a dampner on my part of the conversation.

I finish my cuppa and say, "Well, it's been a long day. I'm going to sleep".

I lied awake in the tent thinking "What did he mean by 'I'm not a brutal rapist'"? If he said, "I'm not a rapist" I wouldn't have given it a second thought. But the "brutal" qualifier had me wondering.

Every twig that snapped, every rustle I heard, I think, "fuck, is that Jake?" Finally, at 3am I said enough. I put in ear plugs and figured, this way I won't hear anything and if he shows up, I'll deal with it then. I slept until morning and Jake offered me a breakfast cuppa. No thanks, I've got to go.

An unusual response for me. I tend to hang out with homeless nuts for a while, but I left Jake and his blue tailed poodle behind. I should've brought him back a beer and directions to Anna's apartment (just kidding Anna -- I gave him your keys).

(this entry is closed for comments)

Posted by DaveSmith at February 26, 2005 06:45 PM

Ahh...Terri "what knockers" Garr. One of Mel Brooks' best lines. Well, maybe "Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight" is close then again just about every other line in Blazing Saddles was close. I have to admit that "lyin', cheatin', thievin' scumbag" is pretty good too.

Posted by: Farmdog at February 26, 2005 07:55 PM

i prefer the sheriffs' (clevon little) line "and now for my impression of jesse owens". anyhoo, glad to hear yer mingling with the locals. now that hunter s. thompson is no longer with us, you are our only hope for gonzo (gornzo?) journalism. no pressure. Bob p.s. if i sell my spare snowblower soon, there'll be a little something coming your way.

Posted by: bob b at February 27, 2005 01:16 PM

Looks like fortified cocoa a la red bull (b vitamins), but with a little seaweed for thickening purposes. I bet mormons could drink it no problem.

Posted by: amy at February 27, 2005 05:55 PM

well, uR gay. (see how I emphasized the "R"?)

Posted by: Charlene at March 1, 2005 06:53 AM

Hey, I saw you in Trekkies 2 and you're gay.

Posted by: at March 1, 2005 08:13 AM

Aaah, the brutal rapist story comes out. I missed that one while you were talking to Hilarity and Chris and I was getting drinks or something. The ground was never recovered, so all I got was a confusing alusion. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open and the machete under my pillow that night.

Posted by: carloscarlos at March 1, 2005 08:20 AM

Good to see you're still alive. Sad to hear about the clutch. I thought Ian replaced the plates? Give me an email about exactly what's going on and we'll get it sorted - are you sure it's clutch plates? You still got that crappy mis-matched clutch lever with a 1/2 inch play in the pivot?

Posted by: Mark P at March 1, 2005 11:09 AM

Okay, Rule of thumb; never close your eyes near anything with a "brutal" as an adjective. I think it would have been the "daughter did it" that would tip you off, but then, your not from New York.
I guess your in NZ now, so welcome. Darwin sounds like just the place for a few of my friends. Nothing like hiding from The Man. Keep rolling and hope the food's better there. Man can not live on pepperoni alone.

Posted by: samueljohn at March 1, 2005 01:18 PM

By the way, I had no 'intentions' whatsoever towards your 'wife'. It was a professional interest only, but thanks anyway. You can certainly write Dave, but I find your style a little confusing if not overwhelming... Probably gay... You, not me.

Posted by: Mick at March 1, 2005 02:32 PM

Choice eh bro? Come on gil get us a fosh out of the chilli bin.

haha slashdot owns you

Posted by: Jimbo at March 1, 2005 04:46 PM

Milo (Nestle product) is choc-malt and milk powder, to which hot water &/or milk is added. Nice!
Another Milo is Milo Minderbinder (sp?), a character from Catch22 - not so nice.
Phil Hitchcock says you might only need to adjust your clutch to fix the slipping, and that only plates made for Ducati singles will fit.

Posted by: Jordan at March 3, 2005 02:17 AM

Hey, I actually did see you in Trekkies 2, a few days ago on Showtime. I wonder if I want to tell my friends my cousin's in Trekkies? Love you and be careful.
Your favorite cuz,

Posted by: Jennifer at March 6, 2005 08:44 AM

Ah tell 'em; family's family.

Posted by: Aunt Milly at March 6, 2005 09:21 AM

I saw you in Trekkies 2! It's fanfuckintastic to see a member of the homosexual community out there a' struttin' his stuff. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK and remember, I'm always waiting for you baby.

Posted by: Gaylord at March 10, 2005 06:10 AM

Post! Post! Where be ya?

Posted by: at March 11, 2005 03:10 AM

yeah, what? no internet cafes in New Zed?

Posted by: kellye at March 11, 2005 01:13 PM

Hi Dave

will you let us know when you are going to JAPAN
good luck

Posted by: piaggio at March 16, 2005 08:53 AM

I really enjoy being at this informal place.
Wish you luck and success for the future.
Surely see you again sometime.

Posted by: Eddie at May 6, 2005 09:32 PM