Episode Guide

At some magical point you will find summaries for all the past episodes.
When that happens I'll change this page.

  Anything You Want - Pilot - Originally Aired August 26, 1996
  Speaking of blood, back to The Inbred Bloodrite Episode, known officially as "Anything You Want." Lucy, the 12-year-old girl, hasn't started her period yet, so of course, she's panicky. All her friends are bleeding like so many tiny human oil wells, but she ain't. Finally, oh, but wait....
  Meanwhile her older sister Mary hasn't kissed a boy. She's nearly 16 and if she doesn't kiss a boy soon, she's gonna die. Just die! Mary asks her brother Matt to teach her how to kiss. Are you paying attention? Even posting this stuff is illegal in most states, and the WB is airing it!! Pointing out stuff like this had this page shut down by Ruthie's mom (See my visit to Ruthie link at bottom). Mary grabs Matt by the face, puts her hand tenderly on Matt's face and leans in for the kiss -- all nice and slow and gooey. Suddenly the dad, Reverend Camden, walks by and Mary and Matt panic. They jump apart faces flush, protesting "This isn't what it seems." The Good Reverend shrugs it off with a cheerful, "I don't want to know" and goes in to wet-kiss his wife (okay, he keeps his tongue in his mouth, but you never know on this show).
  At the same time, Grandma announces she's going to die. Reincarnation rears its fuzzy head as "Happy" the family dog. Every single episode deals with issues on a Grand Biblical scale filtered through a high school lit class symbolism hand-out. Happy isn't the literal reincarnation of Grandma, but rather a symbolic representation of the dynamic duality (life/death, male/female, active/passive, dark/light, Pabst/Guiness) in all things viewed in the traditional circular pattern where as one life ends another begins. It's no surprise that in a show ladden with heavy-handed Biblical themes, the death of Grandma results in the "birth" of Happy (although Happy was not a pup). Happy is "born" pregnant, much like a Tribble or a hill-billy. Simon "discovers" his boy dog is a girl, and she's knocked up like the proverbial 14-year-old Southern girl (Get off me pa, yer crushing my Marlboros).
  Meanwhile, Sluicy Lucy starts The Curse!!! Oh happy day, everyone. Happy Day! Everyone's excited because (I swear I'm not making any of this up) the Dad now gets to take her out for a fancy Spaghetti dinner and and and (!) oh sweet jesus, Lucy gets to send him out for tampons!!! It's the family tradition -- SEND DAD OUT FOR TAMPONS!!! And this episode was JUST THE PILOT!!
  Here's the watered down description I found: In the premier episode, we meet the Camdens. Eric's the all-around father and pastor of his local church. Annie, though well educated, stays home with the kids. Matt, 16 and entering into his defiant years, wants to start smoking and Mary, 14, just wants to be kissed, that's all, just kissed. Simon, 10, anxious for a pet, keeps praying for a dog. Lucy, 12, though unsure, wants desperately to reach puberty. Little Ruthie, 3, is content just being along with her siblings for the ride.